surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
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Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
peeping toms
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I would move hell over six inches for you
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.