Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
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Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread