ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
lmfao come on
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.