“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*