My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.