hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.