Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
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😂 amazing answer
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Don’t talk down to me
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
cause of death:
autopsy.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise