“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?