Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
You Might Also Like
🏙👨🏼
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Childbirth is so beautiful
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”