According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.