Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
i really liked this one