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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
good let them take over I have had enough
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.