Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
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In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
she has a point
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.