Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?