I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Hmm, not sure about this change
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Generation gap…
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili