Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Noted.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny