[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Ok but actually
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!