wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION