[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.