[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Do not steal food from the science building!
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.