Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
he was correct
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
scrabbled eggs