Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
What
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered