Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
smartest karate player in the world
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??