[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]