*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Note to self: always read the final line
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.