Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
The 6 types of sex
This is hilarious….
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?