There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
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If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
oh my gosh!!
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it