DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
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Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.