Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.