Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Twitter remains undefeated