I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
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I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …