Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
You Might Also Like
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him