Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Well, this explains it:
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)