A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.