*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
#merica
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.