“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.