if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
asking santa clause for nudes
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.