[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table