Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Has there ever been a more American story?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Still my favourite meme.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Comparing yourself to others