Somewhere in an alternate universe
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I would move hell over six inches for you
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one