It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
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ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
We avoided this particular disaster
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.