Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
when you don’t want to be too vague
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.