*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.