I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”