me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
The A string on my guit_r is flat
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.