BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
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wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single