The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Uh oh…
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”