just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.