It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You are not alone 💚
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.