good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
i think both sides are to blame here
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.